11/27/2017 Week 2 of Group… and update and an episode.

I can’t write anything tonight, nothing sounds good, nothing sounds right, I am manic and angry, the worst combination, I can’t seem to calm down. I can’t seem to find a “clear picture” or a “New Me activity” as they teach in group. Which is going great until you have an episode and your Skill Systems have gone right out the window, right with your sense of self.

Step 1: Obtain a clear picture of the situations, observe your thoughts, surrounding and feelings, etc…

Step 2: On Track Thinking- going the right way with your goal

Step 3: On Track Action- what actions are you going to take to stay on track… self explanatory

Step 4: Create a Safety Plan, protect yourself, others and how to prepare with stress.

Step 5: Do a New Me Activity- any feel good activity, get your mind off things, use when needing a distraction.

Step 6: Problem Solving- do not do when emotional, use steps 1-5 before problem solving.. self explanatory again, please don’t make me go into more detail.

Step 7: Expressing Myself: Share what’s on your mind!

Step 8: Getting it right- communicate needs and wants, what do YOU need from others.

Step 9: Relationship care- SELF CARE (most important) foster relationships, create new relationship, and repair or ending unhealthy relationships.

Seems easy right? Try using your skill systems when you’re off the scale angry, pulling your hair out, hitting your head as hard as you can, crying, screaming, or even self mutilating.

I promise group is going well and these skills are great to use, maybe these will help my fellow BPD readers. Maybe this will help those who don’t even have BPD but struggle handling situations. Anyways, sometimes it’s hard to remember your skills when you’re overwhelmed with pain and emptiness.

Today was a bad day, flat out. All the little things added up until I couldn’t take it anymore. The last straw was my cat eating my frosty. What did I do… scream.

I began to clench my frosty in my fist until I could see it overflow, fuck eating the frosty, the damn cat ruined it for me. I began to shake, my entire body was filled with anxiety. My muscles ached like I just finished working out, my bones were even sore. I begged my husband to take my frosty because I knew what was coming, I knew I would regret everything that was about to come. The storm was here. WARNING, is what I read. Find a safe place, SKYLER YOUR SKILLS USE YOUR SKILLS! Too late. I began to rip my hair out from my scalp and slam my open hand to my temple, I cried, “Why is it so bad?! Why is it so bad?! Why am I so bad?” The tears flowed in harder and heavier, I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. I begged and pleaded for it all to just stop. I wanted to end it all. Just let me die, right here, right now. No one will miss someone like this. I am a mess. I am a fire in a forest. My husband immediately grabbed me and held me so I couldn’t do more damage. He held me until I awoke from the episode.

Damage control.

Is my husband okay? Am I okay? I look around as if the setting around me is completely brand new. Why am I like this… I just wish to be normal.

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