No one quite understands how I feel. How I feel moment to moment. It’s a roller coaster that has high highs and low lows, a lot of loops, it’s never ending, it’s dark and sometimes the tunnels have no light at the end. This roller coaster…my roller coaster, has no sense of time, sometimes the “ride” lasts forever or the ride couldn’t be long enough.
I wish I could calm down, I wish I could think rationally, I wish I could just be your idea of normal. See with borderline, sometimes, scratch that, most of the time, you feel empty. Maybe you’ve experienced emptiness but I am sure it is never to the extent of what it feels like when you have BPD or Depression ( or something similar)… this emptiness is overwhelming, this emptiness strips your capability of feeling anything but… empty. Happy? Can’t feel it. I can show you, but I can’t feel it. Sad? When am I not? Comes with the emptiness, right? Angry? Too empty to care but I can be, when pushed. And this isn’t a hard button to press, more like a gentle flick of a switch. Flip the switch, I dare you.
I begin to fill with hatred for myself, the people around me, the sounds, the sights, my skin, it isn’t mine, my hair, it’s not mine. Thud. Thud. Thud. I beg to hit myself on the side of the head. It doesn’t make me feel anything, I begin to pull my hair, WHY CAN’T I FEEL ANYTHING?! Slit slit slit, oh no… I’ve done it again. I watch the blood trickle down but I can’t put it back. Not even the cuts on my wrist I can feel but I’ve awoken to realize I made a mistake, a terrible mistake. I begin to apologize to my body. I am sorry. I am sorry. I’m so sorry. I take it back. I am beautiful but I am hideous. I shouldn’t do this, but I can’t feel anything. I love myself but I hate myself. HELP ME. I wan’t to feel normal but I don’t know what that is. Why am I screaming? Stop it Skyler, stop it. I can’t? And I am still screaming…? Why can’t I stop?
If I never wrote these words, you’d never know. And no one does.
I begin 12 week therapy starting on Monday, I will try to keep everyone updated on how it goes. I will try to write about how I am feeling more often. If you enjoy my writing, please share your thoughts and comments. Thank you, Skyler.