Tonight I write to you from a manic state of mind.
Not quite sure where my mind is but I know I am manic. I feel as if I could do anything, I am unstoppable, or close to it at least. My mind is racing, this story has to edits, no rough drafts, no final drafts. How is it I could be manic but completely empty?
People tell me I should “just be happy,” or “snap out of it.” Oh wait wait, my favorite, “You need to pull it together…for your daughter.” Oh shit. Are you telling me, I can just wake up happy? That tomorrow is a new day and the pain that overwhelms me will dissipate ? That the emptiness I feel will be gone and I will fill the hole miraculously ? Is that what I am to do? Just get over it, just stop all what I am feeling, not feeling, feeling too much of?
I wish it were that easy. And its hard for you to understand, I get it. I look “normal,” whatever the fuck that means, so I should be normal, so I should be able to do simple tasks like get out of bed, shower, go to work…live….
It’s not that easy. For a week I didn’t get out of bed, I didn’t shower, I couldn’t even bring myself to go to work. Friends and family made me eat, made me get dressed, forced me to exist. Like that could be hard right? Exist. But it was.
I am here to tell you just because my pain is not visible, not physical, it doesn’t mean I am not hurting. And when I say, I wish I could snap out of it for myself, for my friends, for my family, for my beautiful daughter… it’s not that easy.