Seem – A verb. To give the impression or sensation of being something or having a particular quality.
To people, I seem like a lot of things; fine, happy, normal, bubbly, or ‘like everyone else.’ But what people never seem to see is that I am screaming for help, that I am smiling but my eyes say I am in pain. Sometimes… the pain is so overwhelming that I think the best solution is to end it all. And shut up, I don’t even want to hear the flooding messages about how I shouldn’t think like that, that I have a family that would miss me, or how could I do that to my daughter. I AM AWARE. Thank you, you must be fucking brilliant to come to all those conclusions, that I ALREADY KNEW. But you see… there are days, when the voice in my head says, “Skyler, but your family is better off without you,” and “Skyler, you’re not even a good Mom.” This voice in my head grows so loud until I can’t even hear myself telling it to just STOP TALKING. This voice is every bad thought you’ve ever had, this voice makes the thoughts seem real, so real that they change from unpopular opinions to fact. There is no reconciling with this voice either. As I said, what the voice said is FACT.
So what did I do? When the voice was loud and my thoughts just weren’t loud enough, when the unpopular opinion seemed to be a fact.
I left work 30 minutes before the end of my shift. I drove past my house and just listened to the voice, “a little more Skyler.” So I drove. “We’re almost there Skyler.” So I drove. “Okay, we’re here!” I sat in my car on the train tracks and I thought to myself, turn around but my body didn’t move. I tried to think a little louder, just go home, but I still didn’t move. I could hear my phone dinging… for an hour, “Skyler, where are you?”, “Skyler just checking on you, you left work early,” “Skyler?” But I just sat and I waited. For an hour.
But the train never came.
For my readers, this is me retelling an incident that happened in September, I am not currently suicidal. But for any readers that are please call 1-800-273-8255. You are never truly alone, no matter how loud the voice is, no matter how real or imaginary the feeling of isolation is. Please seek medical attention right away if you ever feel like you are going to harm yourself or others. Your life IS important.