Sorry I didn’t write last week. Life is getting busier than expected. Recently, I have been writing all the symptoms I experience in a notebook. I bring it in to therapy and just lay it all on the table. I highly recommend this to anyone who has a mental illness. I find it easier to have things to discuss during therapy and as well as keeping a mental note of what I am going though. Think, do you ever want to remember pain or sadness? Maybe you were super manic two nights ago and you thought it was just a regular night. Take 1-2 minutes to jot your thoughts, feelings and concerns down. I hope this helps.
But let’s dive in.
It’s hard for me to accept my “illness” when I don’t have anything physically wrong with me. I can’t get accommodations for my illness like people with physical disabilities. There is no mental health days when it’s just too hard to get out of bed, no doctor note anyone can write to convince my work that I simply, can’t.
Sometimes, I wish I was able to show my illness, like a broken arm. Not with my outbursts or episodes. I am hurting, LOOK AT ME. But that’s not the reality of the situation. The reality is, I am expected to show up to work, on time and ready to physically do my work. I am expected to not have panic attacks when I am pressured, no yelling or hitting when I am overwhelmed. I just have to “be.” It’s difficult. Most days. But then there are days, when I feel “normal”. It quickly fades when I am reminded by my splitting or quick trade of emotions.
Someday’s I can’t accept the truth of the matter. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I don’t want to be seen as my “disorder.” I want to be Skyler, who happens to suffer from BPD. But if no one can see my illness, there’s not really a problem, right?