5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self mutilating behavior.
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.
My therapist asks on our routine check up, “Any thoughts of suicide?” I say no. “Any Attempts?” I say no.
I feel lost. Where do I go from here? Is there anything? What happens when I don’t find anything? I feel like my purpose in life was supposed to be this great big event but I feel like that isn’t so true anymore.
I think I will be lucky if I just get by.
I’m not sure if I will though.
Sometimes I wonder how any of us borderlines make it. Last night Jace set my pill bottles next to me to divvy out and take. I thought, maybe I should just take them all.
It was a quick thought that involved no action. I took my pills as normal and gave the bottles back to Jace. He never even knew. He never would. Until it was too late. I think that is what scares and intrigues me about death.
You’re here until you’re not.
But I am always nothing.
So what is the point I think?
This is a thought I have several times a day.
So when my therapist asks, I say no because it is this big ordeal otherwise. But only if she knew. Sometimes it’s a reaction. Sometimes it’s a wish. Sometimes it’s a prayer.
When things are mundane, I think, things wouldn’t be so bad if I just died right here and now. Then there are days where things aren’t bad but they aren’t good and I think, I wish I just would die. Or sometimes sadness hits like a fucking train and I pray to God that I get the courage to end it.
So I ask, is it the chronic emptiness that makes me wish I was dead? Or just this disorder? I ask, is it the chronic emptiness that whispers in my ear to cut again or is it the disorder?
I am glad I haven’t in 5 years. But sometimes, I hear the soft cool whisper speak from my wrists, “get the scissors.”
I don’t know where I was going with any of this, maybe just to let someone in? To have someone understand? That the criteria for BPD isn’t just words, they’re really fucking things that I live with, that millions live with. But this is my job now, to educate. To make aware. If you don’t know you’re ignorant and it’s not necessarily your fault but if you know and don’t care, you’re an asshole.
This is my life. I am a Mom and a wife and I want to die. I have at least two reasons to live and I still think of my life 6 feet under. I have to just learn, adapt, survive.
Fuck, I am a survivor. I’m still here aren’t I?
You’re here until you’re not. So I am going to fight until I’m not.