I feel like I am in a hole. The longer I sit the farther I feel from the surface. How the fuck do I get out and what am I faced with when I get out? Do I even want to be out? Is the hole okay? I mean it is safe. But is it what I want?
I feel lost, I don’t know what the fuck I feel anymore. The hole I’ve been sitting in is now a tunnel. I kept digging and digging and digging and now I don’t know where the fuck it leads to. I just keep going thinking I will find somewhere to go, somewhere that has acceptance and validation. Who am I kidding. I’ll just go deeper. So deep, that no one will find me.
Lately I have been feeling unrelateable, that I’ve lost my touch with people and communication. Once so outgoing and bubbly now fueled by paranoia and anxiety. Maybe that’s why I’ve stayed in the hole for so long, because I do feel safe. At least safer than outside of it.
I just… I don’t want to live in this hole forever. I don’t want to be scared of life and living it. I don’t want to fear every day for the rest of my life.
I try to find my way to the surface but I think I lost the way out.