You know when you jump in a pool so deep you’re searching for the bottom so you have something to press off of to reach the surface? Knees tucked in to your chest soon to extend your legs straight out to push off the bottom. Right before you break the surface, your lungs physically cannot take it any longer, you feel you just may burst? I feel this constantly. I can feel this pressure in my chest and I beg myself to just breathe, though I know if I do, my lungs will fill with water and I will choke. I’m well aware I am not under water but it’s a fucking metaphor. I swallowed the water. I’m sinking.

Save me. Please.

I’m so lost. I can’t find the ledge and I am running out of time. I need help before it’s too late.

I just want someone to know how I fucking feel. Lost. Heavy. Broken. I am a mess. I am a human being who doesn’t know how to feel human. Do other creatures question their purpose? Do animals contemplate life…suicide…self harm? Or was it just human who were cursed to feel too much? Damn Adam and Eve.

I feel when there are words, I feel when there is silence, I feel when there is just too much. I feel when there is not enough, I feel Monday, I feel absence, I feel when I cannot and do not want to feel. I do not wish this on my worst enemy. To question your purpose, it’s scary. Because the answer I have is not an answer I want to hear. I have to answer with another question.

What if there is no purpose?

Do I sink or swim?

2 thoughts on “

  1. If there is no purpose, we’ll invent one. We swim, we always do, because the paradox of BPD is that it breaks you only to turn you into a fighter. I’m here for you, sending all the good thoughts to get you through the dark waters.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this. Just going through a rough patch. I’ve meant to reply for some time.

      Like

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