I’m sorry: a rant.

I feel as if I owe you an explanation. On why I haven’t written. I’m sorry. I just have been a mess lately. Paranoid.

Constantly anxious, just a mess. I feel as if I have been broken beyond repair. I have had multiple opportunities to come out and do things with other people but each time, I freeze up, make excuses on why I can’t go and stay home, crying on the inside. Wishing I went. Hating myself for lying. I just, I cannot help it. The voices in my head, feeding the worst possible thoughts, making me feel insane. It’s this stupid disorder. I wish you all understood how much I am trying. I really am. I just wanted to apologize. I wrote you all to help myself and be an ear and all I have been is a bitter disappointment with only myself to blame. I wish I could just do it all. But I can’t. And I haven’t learned to accept that. Easier said than done. Right?

I am so anxious, I am having a hard time writing. Anxious about my paranoid thoughts. The world is out to get me. They will get me. And what happens when I am found? Will I be punished? I think I would be. Punished for everything I thought I kept a secret. But they know.

Whose they? God, the universe, the higher power, whatever it is. I deserve the punishment.

I’ve gone almost 23 years with secrets I don’t dare share but they know. They always do. The funny thing is, I don’t even believe in anything. Just the earth. But I always linger… what if they are real? And what if they know everything. What if they watched and they are waiting to punish me? And my punishment…death.

My terrible mind feeds me these thoughts, it speaks so loudly I can only assume it is a truth they are spitting. I hate this. I don’t want to do this anymore.

Stop! Just stop. Skyler, stop. My mind, stop. Stop the thoughts, the horrible thoughts. Stop it all.

My mind is racing, I can’t help this constant chatter. I write like I speak, I have been told this many times. Teachers, parents, friends. “That, is why you will never be a published writer.” Bullshit I say. I have read some of the shit that is being published. I will be just fine. No no no, here it comes. “You’re not good enough and you know that, just tuck the pen away.” I try to muster the courage I once had as a child but it’s gone.

I say sorry that I haven’t written but all I can say is that I am paranoid. Paranoid the sky is going to fall and judge me for my sins. Judge my disorder. Bite your tongue Skyler, I tell myself, not everyone will judge your disorder, I follow. But I know that’s a lie.

Who is on my side, because the many sides that make me, are not.

I beg of myself, just let me be. But I know that will not happen. Go, just go.

Again, I beg and I beg but the stubborn sides never leave.

I just, I just want the noise to stop. I just want to be happy and truly be happy.

But for as long as I am me, I will be a shape with many sides.

3 Replies to “I’m sorry: a rant.”

  1. Hey. I hope you are ok. It’s okay at times to do this. To lie. Stay strong.
    I can’t imagine saying anything that would make you feel better. I have been there too.
    Also, there is nothing wrong with the way you write.
    I will tell you something that worked for me. You have a unique style. Own it.
    What you can do is polish it as much as you can. That can never hurt, right?

    Liked by 1 person

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