I hope you like puzzles at midnight because that’s when I need pieced together. It never fails, 11:59 and I’m sprawled across the floor saying, fix me.
I feel as if I am chained, my movement slow and difficult. I find it easier if I just stay still. I find tears surfacing randomly and I feel beat. Broken. I attempt to wipe the tears from my eyes, but they are currents. I embrace the sadness like a blanket. I begin wrapping myself like a hug and tucking my knees in to my chest to become smaller- easier for sadness to manage.
I listen to its soft spoken directions, “knees to chest, be as small as you can. Bring your arms into your sides and around your shins, pull tight. Close your eyes, squeeze them together, hard and let the tears build.” Quietly I shuffle, following it’s commands. A bedroom orchestra begins to play, sadness’ score in piano. A compilation of sniffles, shakes, dirty clothes, the vinyl’s scratch because I haven’t gotten up to flip it to side B, an occasional rustling of sheets, and the ding of a notification from my phone.
It’s now midnight.
I don’t think anyone is coming. How do I get myself out of this one? I am a puzzle with missing and broken pieces and to top it off, I lost the reference some time ago. What do I do now? I don’t know, for me I lay there. Days, sometimes weeks, and on the occasion, months. I look down at the pieces that are left and I begin placing them. No real order just moving as quickly as I can.
The clock now shows three a.m.
Nose in my notebook, pen flying, jotting down every bucket list idea and goal. I am filled with hope again! I am new. I have dreams. I have goals. I am together. I’m googling what schools allow late admission. What jobs I can get into to get my foot in the door. The sun is up, I haven’t slept yet and how could I? I’m calling every hair stylist in town, whose ready to cut or color my hair?! My new self needs a new look! The entire day I am planning, throwing money towards this new me, researching what this new me would look like, dress like, act like. I do this until I am finally tired and I lay my head on the pillow…quietly thinking, this will not last, but don’t say it too loud, I may truly believe this and burst into pieces again…