1/28/2020: Whore

For the last 6 years I’ve been searching for pieces of myself that I’ve lost. I can only seem to find broken ones, ones that are of someone else or I can’t find them at all. I still attempt to put the remaining ones together in full understanding that I will never be the same.

I can’t believe that I handed myself away so willingly in the first place and to anyone who looked at me… “Here! Take them! Please!.” Some look confused and push them back in disgust, some ignore that I said anything at all and then there are the few who take them and run, never to see them again and I let them. I almost instantly realize what I’ve done. Stupid, stupid me. Here we are again…did you really think that anyone would want to see you so clearly? Of course they ran!

I was broken and now I am empty.

I wonder… what if someone were to rescue the stolen ones? What if they brought them back? What if they stuck around too? …Regardless of the missing pieces, what if they didn’t mind? Is it possible that someone would do that?

The split inside me says, fuck it, be your own hero! Stop playing a victim and handing yourself out at every corner and fight to be whole. Don’t stop screaming for your freedom until you are free. Fight for the freedom to be you. Whoever that is.

But I continue to give myself out at any chance so desperate for friendship, love and acceptance. I’m not just throwing myself at possible lovers, I’m doing it emotionally to possible partners. I do it to acquaintances… I do it to anyone who gave a second of their time. The only thing I learn is to wait a few more seconds to open up, hoping the additional time makes them stay. They never do.

So, alone again, I find myself on the corner- desperate for a connection, I wait for the next person to look my way.


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