(100% will regret naming my blog this but what the hell!)
When you look in the mirror, how often do you look into your own eyes?
If you have, how does it feel?
I’ve looked into my own eyes once and I never cared to do it again. I’ve been quite scared since. I found several of me in a black room, all of us scared and looking for a way out. Some have given up and stood motionless, some still frantically searching for anything to prove we weren’t stuck. Then there was me, just as confused, scared and yet… felt nothing?
While I looked into the mirror, into my eyes, I couldn’t find myself. Simply put, I didn’t know the person I was looking at or into. I’m sure at one point everyone has that feeling, “who am I going to be?” or “who do I want to be?” or maybe even, “who am I?” But most people get that answer or accept themselves as is. I can’t.
Every fucking morning I wake up and get ready for the day, I have to decide who I am putting together. Not just what pants go with what top, but how would this version of myself style our hair? Maybe I watched a movie the day before and the actress held her phone a certain way and I thought it was cute- would this version of our self do that? “Would you want to?” I don’t just have to pick my clothes but sometimes the personality that would go with. Some days it’s not an active thought, I just wake up and something in me feels more dominant to a style and I put it on, as effortlessly as putting on slippers. Some days I don’t feel anything, no one I want to be, and it’s frustrating, it’s terrifying because this is when I become vulnerable to adopt. If there is not one of me to put on, throughout the day I subconsciously adopt traits, quirks, likes, dislikes…
Do you know what it feels like to wake up every morning unsure of who you are? What the fuck does it feel like to wake up on Friday and know you are the same person you started the week as? I bet that thought doesn’t even cross your mind and why should it! But know, I am jealous of you. I envy you.
I used to like being different day to day until I realized this didn’t stop after high school. I thought we were all trying to find who we were, so I tried on every style and it never stopped. But I saw my peers eventually find themselves and I just kept changing.
“I never know what you’ll look like the next time I see you!”
Me fucking either.
I don’t know who Skyler is. I don’t know who I am.
I am a product of others. Fictional, strangers, and of people I meet.
** Growing up, I wrote alias’ on my papers when I could. I tried nickname and eventually dropped my name. I would tell people, my name is Skyler but I would prefer hey you! I hated when people used my name, I felt like a puppy who didn’t understand what was just said. I don’t even like writing my name. I went so long without knowing who that person that I never was able to connect with it. It may sound stupid to a lot of people, it’s okay. I understand. You may have no idea where I am coming from because you’ve never felt the touch of mental illness, but I urge you to empathize with me. I don’t want to make it harder for myself, why would I want to do that? And if I did… wouldn’t you question my mental state? Ha. Got you there!
I wanted to have a decision by my birthday, but I am changing my name to Parker.
I brought these feelings to my mom several months ago and she came up with the idea to change my name! My birth name was unisex and I felt like unisex names suit me so I asked my mom help pick a new name for me so she still had part naming me. We made a little list but Parker was it. I have had trouble deciding because truthfully I didn’t want someone to think I was stupid for it but what if they do? Who cares! …okay, I do, but maybe I will care less with more therapy haha